you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
