We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
