gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
