So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize