I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I had to cum in my sink.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
