dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize