I'm lost and stupid without you.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
