watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
