Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
