Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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