Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
