Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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