if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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