I just saw a hot homeless man
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
