Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
