If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
