and she was petting her beer can
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
