she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
