Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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