Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
