Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
