i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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