A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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