I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
