my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
A+ Viking dick
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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