tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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