so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize