I want to make a zoo with you.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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