stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
