I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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