My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
