I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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