I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
