Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
