I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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