You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
