Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
