I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize