I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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