anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
