I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
