I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
