Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
