She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
