You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
