I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think I sprained my soul last night
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
