there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
