i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
