I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
