i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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