We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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