I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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