I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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