Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
