My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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