I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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