No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
