I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
