Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Bring me that man meat
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
