just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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